Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

For years, the standard measure of intelligence was the "IQ" or Intelligence Quotient. If you had an IQ of 120, you were a genius. If  you scored a 100, you were considered average. Researchers felt that something was missing. A realm of intelligence was not accounted for in this so called "Intelligence Quotient". And so was born, the "EQ" or Emotional Quotient. Many studies back up the idea of the EQ, and none better than the work of Dr. John Gottman. Gottman discovered that perhaps more important than the intelligence considered by the IQ, was a person's emotional intelligence. Why is all of this important, you may ask? Gottman also learned that unlike the measure of IQ, the measure of Emotional Intelligence could be taught and learned. Cue Parenting with a Smile. If Emotional Intelligence can be learned from a young age, why wouldn't we, as parents, learn more so we can teach our children this very important skill? Watch the video below for a brief overview of Gottman's theory:





Sounds great, doesn't it? How can parents apply the theory in their own lives and in the lives of their children? Gottman's book Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child teaches it perfectly and is summarized below in five, easy steps:

1. Be aware of the child's emotion. This requires attentiveness by the parent, as well as emotional recognition within the parent, him/herself. This can be intimidating in the beginning, but is crucial.

2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for teaching and growth. Before reacting to a child's expression of emotions, think. Remember that this is an opportunity for you to teach and help your child grow and develop. Become your child's ally and be open to talk with them. 

3. Listen empathetically and validate the child's feelings. Give your child your complete attention. Listen attentively. Put yourself in the shoes of your child and recognize that their feelings are real and valid.

4. Help the child recognize the emotion. Labeling the emotion is huge in teaching emotional regulation. Not only does this allow the child to see that you understand, but it helps them to label their feelings and validate that they are real.

5. Set limits and explore solutions. Help your child discover a solution to deal with their emotion that is reasonable and within the limits of family values and standards. Do not solve the problem for your child. It is important that they learn skills to do this for themselves with your guidance and encouragement.



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Gottman, J.,  Declaire, J., Goleman, D. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster.

http://emotioncoaching.gottman.com/