Teen Talk

Do you feel like you have to speak another language when you are talking to your teen? Sometimes it can be really difficult to relate to their experiences and feelings. Just like being dropped off in a country that you don’t know the language, it can be very frustrating to try and communicate with your teen that may speak a different language than you (or a language you forgot since you were a teen).

Well, don’t fret!! You are not the only one! There have been countless studies, books written, and even some people’s whole careers focused on how to communicate with teens. It has been shown that bilateral strategies, such as bargaining and reasoning, are most effective with warm parenting. On the other hand, unilateral strategies such as nagging and persuasion, are the least effective strategies when communicating with teens. It may seem like common sense, but you have probably noticed that these strategies are a lot harder to do in reality!

It’s time to meet your new friend, this little wheel of wonder:

The Awareness Wheel, Couple Communication Program 

Next time a potentially contentious conversation comes up with your teen try using some new phrases. Instead of saying “you” or pointing out things you do not like about your teens words or actions, focus on “I messages” by using these helpful little phrases on the wheel.

Example conflict issue:
Your teen did not answer their phone when you called about their whereabouts and came home late.

Using normal language your response may be:

• You are irresponsible and we are going to have to reconsider some of your privileges. 
• I can’t believe you have been so disrespectful! 
• You are always late and it is unacceptable. 

Using “I messages”:

• I feel sad that you have acted this way consistently. I want to be able to trust you.
• I want to figure out a way to make this situation not happen again. 
• I think that we will have to discuss why you keep ignoring my phone calls. 

Can you see the difference? Can you see how a normal response may become a catalyst for great contention? “I messages” are an easy way to brush up on your language skills with your teen and use reasoning and bargaining, which speaks to their greatest needs and interests at this stage (feeling independent and in-control of their lives).



We welcome your comments and participation below:

Have you had a successful experience where you changed the way you approached a topic with your teen and they responded positively?

Did you find this article helpful? Please take 30 seconds and tell us what you think here! 





Gentina, E., & Muratore, I. (2012). Environmentalism at home: The process of ecological resocialization by teenagers. Journal of Consumer Behaviour, 11(2), 162-169. doi:10.1002/cb.373